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Popeyes®: Drivers wanted." We're a week into the new year, and Dave has had a nagging sense of forlorn for the last 10 minutes or so. 17) delivers some really original and funny stand-up. 1/10/11 [3426]: Alan Kalter's face is very orange*** this evening, and Dave wonders what happened to Big Red. Alan thinks they want his autograph, but that was just a cruel distraction. ••• desk chat, after commercial: "Before you buy a lift ticket, make sure your kid takes a leak! / video: (scene from Two and a Half Men) (TV Land logo) (voice-over): "With Charlie Sheen temporarily off the air, TV Land is the place to be for hard-living characters.

"There's no harder-working man in show business than myself," Dave informs us. Moments after Alan looks down in order to deliver a top-quality autograph, all three of the teenage anarchists spray Alan's face, hair and trenchcoat fluorescent orange. ••• Tomorrow it will be annouced that Verizon will offer Apple's i Phone™. " ••• TTL sponsor: Alan announces that tonight's list is sponsored by A Company. Tonight, don't miss a rare episode of The Honeymooners, where Ralph and Ed battle crippling addictions." (Jackie Gleason, loaded and stumbling): "Everything's going real fast." (voice-over): "The Honeymooners: Only on TV Land." (voice-over): "As opposition to his regime continued to grow, today President Mubarak announced a multimillion dollar upgrade to the Sphinx." (The Sphinx): "Meow. Meow." (voice-over): "This has been 'Hosni Mubarak: Too Little Too Late.' " 1.

Her resolution was, "I'm going to try not to be a douche bag." (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for this quote.) And when that ball comes down... He wants to tell us about his most recent air travel, and the inspection of his person by a TSA employee.

They gave "Dave and The Twins" quite a good inspection, if you know what I mean.

Back in 2010, Harry Letterman got Sully, part Yellow Lab, part Satan. Please, if you know who this portrait belongs to, please call the Times-News. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Cosby interview and stories from college ••• The Black Keys sing. And then a Warning Warning Watch Warning, and then a Watch Watch. ••• monologue: "More dead birds last night: the Oregon Ducks." (Auburn beat Oregon in the national championship football game.) ••• It's another of Tom De Lay's weeping buddies. Wait a second." (clip): Someone wipes a goofy-looking thing aside, and we hear the squeaky sound you hear when you're cleaning a window with Windex® and Bounty®, The Quicker Picker-Upper™. We now return you to Webster, already in progress." (voice-over): "Be sure to pick up a copy of A Shore Thing, the debut novel of everyone's favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Snooki." (clips of various staff members) (voice-over): "Use it to prop up a wobbly table. " When Dave finds something he likes, he goes with it. For example, he once bought 2,000,000 pairs of socks that he liked. All of a sudden, for the last three weeks Dave can't get it to stick to his face, so he appointed his assistant, Brenda, to call 'em today, and they claimed they're having nozzle trouble. ) ••• back to the TTL ••• Vince Vaughn plugs The Dilemma. She is awesome.) ••• Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz plug the History Channel's American Pickers. 1/12/11 [3428]: interruption: Two warmly-dressed rascals wielding snow shovels approach Dave. ••• Dave has some colorful, elbow-length Vet-Pro™ gloves for handling some of the critters Jungle Jack Hanna is about to bring out. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Sunshine, and gives us too much information about current medical procedures. Chris says of his daughters, "I'm very proud of both of them," then goes on to say, "I've gotta tell you, the first time that Abby was announced on SNL, I was so proud, but the... the proudest moment for me was when you announced her and she came out on this show." ••• The National sing. 2/02/11 [3438]: Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg as a groundhog. I'm standing backstage in front of a green screen." (Dave): "Uh huh.

If no one claims it by September 1st, we will do something with it." ••• outside cam: an awesome helicopter shot from above a New York City bridge ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi presents the Top Ten Reasons to Buy the New Snooki Book. I'd never heard of it, but they go around and buy junk that they turn around and sell as movie props, crap for interior designers, etc. At least they're not hoarders, who'll save their gum wrappers, pizza boxes, dead pets, etc. "We'll shovel your sidewalk for twenty bucks," the one with the more-ridiculous hat offers. Jack has a Zorilla (striped polecat), a little joey (kangaroo) and a Binturong (Malaysian bearcat that smells like popcorn, and can kill a cobra). ••• "Alan Kalter's Super Bowl Preview" / (Dave): "OK, Alan, take it away! ••• monologue: Charlie Sheen's home is known as Villa de Kilo. And, do you have any information on the latest developments at all, Bob?

Dave once again is disciplined with the Late Show aaoogah horn for referring to Simon Cowell as a douche bag.

He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011: ••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks.

27, which fouled up transportation and services somethin' awful. "It stinks of death over here, Dave," Alan reports.

Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the Late Show's own Al Chez. It looks new, but Al has played it on the show before. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Want to ask Dave a question on Twitter? With lightning speed and accuracy, Dave sees through Joe's little scheme. PM: Entertains constituents with his hilarious melon-smashing antics." (clip of Gallagher, I assume, smashing a watermelon with a Sledge-O-Matic) (voice-over): "This has been 'John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back.' " (clip): House of Representatives chamber, with members reading aloud (clip of unknown Congressman): "I now yield to the gentleman from Michigan, Mr. It seems that his brother, Ron, took his act, calling it Gallagher Too. The behind-the-scenes activity must have been nuts!

Go to the Late Show Twitter account, twitter.com/Late_Show and use the hashtag #ASKDAVE. Stay with us, Cyrus." ••• outside cam: an awesome shot of the Empire State Building ••• Shaquille O'Neal of the Celtics, who complains that Dave (almost) never calls him ••• Keri Hilson sings. 1/05/11 [3423]: Photoshop fun: We see a small, deceased blackbird on Donald Trump's nest of hair. ) (clips): bird carcasses (voice-over): "Scientists are puzzled by the thousands of dead blackbirds which fell to earth in a small Arkansas town.

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