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Playing detective or trying to control the other person to prevent them from being able to contact someone is just going to fill that person with resentment and will drain you of energy you could put towards better things… Seriously meditate on this thought: People are going to do whatever they want to do.
No amount of trying to control them, or to “guilt” them, or to reason with them, or to commit to them, etc. Of course your actions matter, but what I’m saying here is that in the end, you can’t control the other person and even if you were able to, it’s much better to know that the other person is going to be the way you want them to be without you having to expend energy on “controlling” them. I stopped trying to be perfect and control everything so I could feel OK.
Now, have you ever had someone you had a relationship with that other people didn’t approve of… People would say they didn’t like the person and they would give a reason. It was yours – they didn’t know the person in the way you knew them. and frankly, you didn’t want to explain it to them because really it’s none of their business (and they probably wouldn’t see your point of view anyway).
The first time you would take their opinion into consideration (because after all, the person who said it to you is probably someone that you know cares for you.) But regardless of their opinion, it didn’t change yours. Still, you appreciated their sentiment since you knew it was said out of their love and concern for you. Now you’re getting annoyed – they don’t know that person how you know them!
I’m not saying flat out ignore it (though that’s not entirely a bad idea). I can tell you that when I was on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I was not graceful about it. But then it would eat away at me because, in my mind, there is nothing worse than being played for a fool.
But getting worked up about it will most likely lead you to a bad place… Years ago, I would be dating a girl and she would be carrying on conversations with an ex because he was a friend. It was my fear, but I would run it around in my head, again and again until it became this “monster” of a thought.
But I can tell you, every time that someone has pressured me by telling me their opinion of someone more than once, I started to resent them for making the complaint. Because when they tell me more than once that they don’t agree with my relationship with a person, they’re disrespecting me.
Then the poor girl would get a text or something from her ex-boyfriend/friend and I would explode into an angry tirade about it.
I regret it – it was destructive and never ever helped my relationship. I handled (because it was my problem, not hers.) The truth is that when I was in that situation, I didn’t manage my fears. It was like, I was so afraid of the idea that she could have been doing something and playing me for a fool that I felt compelled to snuff out any relationship she had that made me uncomfortable.
My feeling these days is that if your relationship is good in the moments that you’re with the person, it’s good. And most importantly, I stopped interpreting someone else’s actions as a reflection of me.
Worrying about what they could do just throws away any chance for enjoying your own life. Anyway, I’m just sharing how I felt when I was in this sort of situation.