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/ video: (clip): birds' bodies being collected (voice-over): "Due to recent tragic events, The Arkansas Bird Casket Company is currently back-ordered on blackbird-sized caskets..." (photos): various models of cute little caskets (voice-over): "..as The Imperial, The Executive and The Wings of Peace." (company logo) (voice-over): "The Arkansas Bird Casket Company: We're very sorry for your loss." (cutesy graphic) (first voice-over): "It's time for Oprah-Grams, featuring all the words you can make with the letters in Oprah Winfrey! " (ad graphic): "Creekwater Just 59¢" (voice-over): "Add a 16-ounce cup of creekwater for just 59 cents. Here's a blockbuster development: Dave turns the tables and suggests that he and Regis should hang sometime. Dave, Leno and Oprah were in the big Super Bowl ad in 2010.Hurry down to Popeyes®, because when these dead birds are gone, they're gone! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hannibal Buress (who was bumped on Dec. / video: When entering the Ed on 53rd St., he's approached by three yutes, as our cousin Vinny would call them. In 2011 we'll have a sequel, this time with Dave, Charlie Sheen and Hosni Mubarak! " ••• Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men is still popular, and other channels are looking at creating their own shows including characters with addiction problems.Thousands of contestants auditioned, but only one will win the title of America's Best Dancer, a half-million-dollar-prize, and a role in a real Broadway musical." (clip of Spider-Man falling onto a dancer, as a real actor did in Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark on Dec. And I don't want to alarm you, but honest to God, we're knee deep in rats now with the garbage.20) (title graphic) (voice-over): "Live to Dance: Only on CBS." (clip of Oprah and graphics) (voice-over): "Oprah Winfrey is proud to introduce the new Oprah Winfrey Network. Currently he's reading a book with the contraption, but he's all worked up over the lack of page numbers. Fortunately the city has hired an additional cat." ••• Speaking of garbage, an employee rolls a trash can on wheels next to Tony Mendez.At , experience the pulse-pounding excitement of Mic Check." (audio technician): "Check 1, 2, Oprah, Oprah..." (voice-over): "At , catch Screaming Nut Job Crazy Hour." (clips): screaming nut jobs (voice-over): "And at , don't miss Backwards Oprah." (clip): Oprah talking backward (voice-over): "OWN: Where ••• desk chat: 1. Boehner obviously needs counseling to deal with his sobbing problem. Paul interjects with the thought that the pages aren't numbered because you can adjust the font size, thereby changing the number of words per page. Oz picks out quite a load of carbohydrates in the mix. He grabs Tony's cue cards, dumps 'em and rolls back offstage.Dave shows us that the birds' wings are on backward. He first thought the birds happening was perpetrated by high school kids. Dave compliments Oprah for building a girls' school in Africa. (I guess it's different from a PDF, which retains the original numbers.) ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the Republicans' First Day in Charge of the House ••• Dave has the i Pad™ at his command module. ••• Birds are falling out of the sky all over the place.Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won." (Joe): "Yes, please." (Dave forks over his jackpot. " ••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. " (Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. " (Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.) (Bob): "No." (Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear? Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross.The two future inhabitants of Riker's Island ditch the shovels and scamper offstage. " (Joe): "I could have used the money." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "I'm getting married in a few months..." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "..unexpected expenses..." (Dave): "Right." (Joe): "..bike was stolen, and I had to buy a new one." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "My refrigerator died. The two gentlemen pause for a bit.) (Joe): "The bike actually cost 0." (Dave): "Get out! Just get..." (Joe, reliable as clockwork, attempts to exit the wrong way.) (Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. Dave wanted to show us the winning touchdown but couldn't get the rights, which leads us to this exciting animation, "NFL Highlight Simulation." It's just stick figures, but we get the general idea. Dave shouldn't have itemized with his fingers, because he realizes to his horror that he is presently giving The Finger to North America on this, the Tiffany Network.] Anyway, back to Dorothy. ••• Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Reince Priebus ••• interruption: We hear some fine harmonica music. He has little African Penguins (Jackass Penguins) from Southwest Africa. Next is a warthog from Africa, and finally we have a couple of gorgeous baby cheetahs. 1/18/11 : monologue: Dave's all excited about the new Trenta from Starbucks. " (Bob): "I have no idea." (Dave): "OK, thank you very much. Only seconds into the preshow audience visit, Dave can tell how the show will go. An audience lady up close was giving a horrified stare at the tie. Show 'em everything ya got, because Jay, it's Thursday, and it's time for "Jaywalking." (Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. We're just gettin' ready to do the Top Ten list here." (man, facing the camera): "Oh. " (CBSO): phony SNL theme song (Dave): "The president of Title Town, Vince Lombardi." ••• Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever ••• desk chat: Dave's holding a Playbill.
Dave could tell that tonight's audience didn't want to be here. ••• Regis Philbin bravely reappears for another interview with Dave, and tonight our host has treats! Tonight Regis has stories about jobs he had before he was Regis, and his stint in the Korean War as a supply officer for the U. We hope to be Apple's rumored i Graph device." (photo): a telegraph key with an Apple logo (audio): Morse code "VI" (voice-over): "at&t: Please check the number and try your call again." Apparently it's not fashionable to capitalize AT&T these days. When Sully's running, his big old tongue flaps against his face. ••• There's more trouble with deceased birds plummeting from the sky. / Photoshop fun: Joining Donald Trump and Amy Winehouse with bird carcasses on their heads (or red hat, in this case) is His Eminence, Pope Benedict XVI. Taping of his show, Two and a Half Men, went on hiatus. ••• with closing credits: Keith Olbermann and Biff Henderson 2/01/11 : Dave likes salty snacks, but he thinks people are eating way too much salt. Moments later he's chowing down on multiple handsful of Na Cl. ••• monologue: "Charlie Sheen has 90 days of rehab at his house. Dave says he woke up with a hangover, but he hadn't been drinking. I saw one today down by 48th and 9th Avenue." ••• Chris Elliott (who Paul plays on with his "Bananas" song) plugs Eagleheart.
(clips): snow shovelers and a truck stuck in snow (voice-over): "With snow removal now complete, New York City is ready to pick up garbage once again.
To help make the process more efficient, New Yorkers are asked to place garbage from July through September at the front of the pile.
Her resolution was, "I'm going to try not to be a douche bag." (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for this quote.) And when that ball comes down... He wants to tell us about his most recent air travel, and the inspection of his person by a TSA employee.
They gave "Dave and The Twins" quite a good inspection, if you know what I mean.